22 Jan 10: 18 Jan 1997 (3) the story continues..

Well, I don't think we looked back from there. We were in our own home which had no dining table, no couch, no fridge, no proper bed, no heater, no car...but a well wisher so pure hearted, who encouraged us so much, that we are and will always be grateful to them. Thanks M and S.

There was still the question of job and our fights were increasing ten folds by the day. We used to fight a lot even when we were staying as PG :( I think it was because, even whatever few months we spent in India after marriage, there was always some kind of tension. My SIL instigating my MIL and rest of the family members against me, them kicking out the maid the day the relatives went away after attending the wedding, the expectations, the respect they think they didn't get as 'ladke wale', they didn't demand any dowry but how little my parents gave anyway etc etc etc. It didn't help that the moment we landed, they started asking for money. I hardly knew D and viceversa. We were both childish...I think we still are...but not that bad :D As if all this wasn't enough, we had a baby on the way too.

M used to call every morning to make sure that we are up and have applied for jobs. A few weeks passed but no luck. M suggested that D should also start applying for casual jobs. Within a few days, D got a casual part-time job. Atleast some money had started coming in, better than the small amount we were getting which wasn't even enough for daily bread and butter. Even I got a part-time job in a telemarketing company. I hated it, but atleast it was giving us some much needed cash. We even started saving for a second hand car since it was the most important thing for an emergency close to the due date! A few weeks before my due date, one of the recruitment agents called D and offered him a job in IT. Salary was great, and on M's suggestion, D informed his first employer that he can only work weekends since I was having a baby and he needs to be with me. So he started working his main job from Monday to Friday and his casual job on weekends. And I resigned from my job since it was getting difficult for me to work.

Since our financial situation was much better and it was first baby and we were both really scared, D suggested, I should call my mum for visit so that we will have some sort of support during delivery. When I asked mum, she said she wouldn't come because my ILs may mind that I am giving more importance to my gharwale. Can you believe that ? My MIL refused straightaway. I was getting more scared after hearing stories that the hospital will send you back if the contractions are not less than 5 minutes apart !

Thank God, it didn't come to that and I had to be admitted and induced due to a very high BP. We had bought an old car just a few days before to bring our little prince back from hospital. Bought a fridge a few days earlier too. Even though the hospital was good, I didn't really want to stay there since D was really busy at work and we had only two friends M and his wife S, both working and obviously didn't have time to visit me everyday. Maternity was free of cost and D insisted that I tell the nurses that I wasn't ready to go home, I didn't feel confident etc. That was because he thought there's no way he would be able to give me the care that I needed while him working 14 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I just cried and cried at hospital feeling so lonely..tears flowing down thinking about how little my own mother cared for me. It was my first child, their first grandchild, we were alone so far away...but she didn't think even for a second how I would manage immediately after delivery. I came home 5 days later and went straight to housework. D told me in hospital that his sister was calling him everyday asking for money. They all knew that I was in hospital, delivering a baby and may need some extra cash since we have no body here...instead they just put so much pressure on D that he sent all our saving except the rent for that week ! I didn't even have energy to be mad...I was just relieved I think that atleast she would now stop asking for money that we didn't even owe her !

I had so much hopes to completely breastfeed Bugs. But unfortunately no rest and no proper food resulted in no milk formation and we had no choice but to put the poor baby on formula....and I silently cried more. Can still feel the pain and anger at my own family who refused to help their pregnant daughter. All I needed was presence of a mother...D had started earning well, so I had already told them that I would pay for the airfare, they don't have to spend anything at all. But no...when my own family wouldn't think about me, there's no point accusing my MIL for not coming over...

This is how Bugs life started..the first grandchild in both the families. I had already started shopping for him before he was born - clothes, cots, blankets, bathtubs etc etc. M's wife had made a list for me about what a baby needs and off we went shopping. She asked me if my parents or D's parents would be sending some old clothes as its not nice to put new clothes on a newborn. Unfortunately, Bugs grandparents didn't care enough to even send some old clothes for him..forget about anything new or toys etc. S suggested we wash the new clothes a few times untill the baby arrived, so that they are really soft, and she also passed some of her daughter's old clothes to put on Bugs for atleat first few days. So we spared no expense in showering all our love and every material thing that a baby boy needs. We could afford it, so why not. But there was always one thing that made me so sad was that neither of the grandparents sent anything for him...nothing. If not courier, they could have sent it through so many people that come here from Hyderabad. They had known for seven months that their grand child was coming..they had enough time if they really wanted to. That would have meant so much to me....that would have shown that they cared at least a teeny weeny bit...unfortunately, it didn't happen.

Birth of Bugs was a kind of another turning point for us. Also, we were financially stable by now - one major problem was sorted :) How did it go from there, will narrate that in the next post !

26 Jan 10 - Interruption

Ok, I had to interrupt my 18Jan posts. I am so F&*!*!g mad right now !

'A' rang me yesterday to ask if I was going somewhere. When I said 'no' she said that her husband R will drop of their daughter to my place at 2.30pm as he has started working at an Indian shop and has to be there by 3pm. She said that he has been offered three days a week work there. And I may need to look after her daughter for 3 days. I didn't say anything about the three days, I only said ok for yesterday.

Oh, did I mention that her husband didn't bother to come to the New Year party I threw and some anonymous person commented that I am wrong to expect that. Anyway, he is still hasn't talked to us or apologised just for courtesy's sake that he couldn't come for whatever reason.

He came yesterday to drop off their daughter, waited in the car just at the far end of the driveway untill I opened the door to recieve his daughter and then drove off. I didn't like that he didn't even bother to say a mere 'hi' when he had come untill my driveway that too for getting a favour from me !

In the evening A came with a friend of hers to pick her daughter and went off. No mention about today at all. This afternoon, at 1.00pm there was a loud banging on the door and when I opened the door, it was my neice again. And R drove off the same way as yesterday. Is it just me who is thinking that its SO rude ?? I asked her how come she is here and she said that her dad had to go to work.

Well, I work too even if its from home. Don't you think my sister should have called again to confirm if I would be able to look after her daughter today, or what time she will be dropped off ? Can they just come and drop her off randomly taking me for granted like that ? specially when her husband isn't even showing a basic courtesy of acknowledging my presence ?

I first thought that I will tell her how rude that is when she comes to pick her daughter in the evening..or may be I should be a bit more tactful and tell her a little white lie that I won't be available tomorrow. Will that make me a 'mean' person ? I am just getting really sick of them taking me for granted like that, and now, even her husband is being rude to me and getting away with it ( she has been so rude to me so many times that I have forgotten the count of it, the same way I have forgotten the count of how many times I have helped and supported them ) ! I can't let that happen anymore.

I love my niece, but I can't stand this behaviour from her parents anymore. They are the ones who need the favour and they are showing me an attitude ! Grrrrrrrr.

Oh, and a Very Happy Republic Day to all the Indians !!

Will continue that unfinished story from last post in my next post. As you already know, it has a happy ending, its not depressing all the way - Thank God :) Happy part has already started :)

20 Jan 2010: 18 Jan 1997 (2)

I knew there was one more person from India, whom I knew was in NZ but I wasn't even sure if he was in the same city ! They lived in the same street as us in Hyderabad and his mother had invited me for dinner at their place after I got married. When I asked her her son's address/phone number in NZ, aunty said that she will give it to me when I will come to have dinner with them with D. That never materialised since we got busy with my sister V's wedding and then preparation to come here.

Anyway, we were just coming back from walk I think, when we heard a middle aged man from the neighbouring apartment ( who were Indians as well) calling us. He was a guest and still invited us in just because he saw some new Indian faces. After intial intros, he gave us his card and asked us to call him if we needed anything. We told him that we are actually looking for a new place for us to rent and if he knows anyone who is looking for a tenant.

He said that he doesn't know but he knows a person who might know as he lives in a block of units too. He jotted down the name and phone number, when I looked at it.....guess what ? it was the name of the same person who lived in the same galli as me in Hyderabad, whose ball we used to hide when all those boys played cricket in the street :) I asked him if he was from Hyderabad and got a confirmation. I told him that I think I know him. He just picked up the phone and dialled the number himself and asked M if he was ready for a surprise :)

D didn't know this friend of mine M. Even the aunty was here because her DIL had delivered a baby girl a few days earlier !!! I was just so happy to hear their voices. Aunty and M came to visit us the very same evening. I was a bit apprehensive about how D will find M ? M has a habit of talking so much rubbish and teasing, that I thought that D might not like it. But, to my surprise they both hit it off straightaway. M loves telling D stories about my school days how I was and D enjoys hearing it much to my embarrasment !! They still are very good friends.

Anyway, M said that we are mad to be paying so much for our living costs and we should be out of that place asap. He said he will keep an eye and let us know if there's any rentable property that comes to his attention. Just after 2 days we found a property in rental section of the paper and rang him about it. It was a studio unit close to his place that's come up for rent. As far as I was concerned, a single bedroom or no bedroom, as long as there was a place to live so that I could get away from our host family...it was ok with me.

Unfortunately, we didn't have enough money left to pay the bond money for that rental. We approached Work and Income New Zealand, at that time all the permanent residents, the moment they got the residency, were eligible for a minimum amount to survive if they didn't have a job. We appraoched them, though hated it so much, asking for money from someone even though you are entitled to it, isn't something very nice to do. But I am thankful that they agreed to give us a loan for the bond, and that was to be deducted in small amounts from the very small amount of retainer that we were entitled for.

Bond paid, rental agreement signed, M came to help us transfer to our new home. We said bye to the lady and never looked back.

It was a very small flat. there wasn't any bedroom. Just one big room which had a small kitchen in it and toilets. Still it felt good to be there. Then it hit us that we had no furniture. No bed to sleep on, no couch to sit on, nothing. Money was so tight that we couldn't even imagine buying any stuff.

Met M's wife for the first time that day. Equally friendly and nice if not more than M. They were delighted to know that we are expecting a baby too. Since we had no money, they suggested to go to a thrift store and buy a bed from there. Couch could wait. The idea itself was not even worth considering. They explained that its just to start with, once we get jobs, we can always buy new stuff.

So we went and bought just a base for our sleeping from the thrift store for about $80 I think. Had only two pots for cooking that I had got from India with me fearing that I might not get it here !! two dinner plates, again brought from India..two glasses..you get the picture :) So, when I invited M and his family for the first time, I asked them to bring their own plates to eat dinner ! What a disaster my cooking was...is another post for some other day !

That was an important turn - getting rid of such depressing and inhuman people to getting in touch with positive and encouraging people. M's wife even suggested her doctor to me for my checkups. She said she was very happy with that doctor and trusts her completely.

Little did we know that it was just the begining of a year long struggle - we still had no jobs, no reliable transport, fairly new to each other, very new to this country, ILs not talking to me at all and mad as hell at D for bringing me here with him, pressurising him to send money..

How did we reach where we are today -along the way... financially helping both the famililes in getting rest of the siblings married, giving bugs everything he deserved and more, having another baby four years later who used to think that she was a real princess until she turned 5, buying first house, then second, third, travelling overseas every year or so, making friends who mean more than family, starting our own business without any help from friends or family, helping another friend in paying for deposit for his first house etc etc etc..

to be continued..

18 Jan 10 : 18th Jan 1997

Since my last post, I couldn't help but go through our journey again and again in my mind from that day on, after we landed here in NZ to where we are now.....13yrs later. It was kind of exciting but also a difficult time. Thought of documenting it so that one day...may be....my children will be interested to know...

We landed in NZ on 18 Jan 1997 with a Permanent Residency visa. It was brave, silly, scary, exciting, all at the same time. One of my cousin's friend came to pick us up as we didn't know a single soul in this country. I had never seen him before either. He was a doctor and a close friend of my cousin. He took us straight to another friend of his, doctors as well and put us up there as PG. A very simple, two bedroom unit where they very generously gave one of the rooms to us for USD100 EACH !! yeah, 13yrs back, me and D paid $200 US dollars a week in NZ to live in one room and some food. The man of house was a doctor and had gone to US ( that's why they wanted us to pay them in USD !), while the wife who was also a gynaecologist stayed back untill he settles there.

Aaah, I didn't mention that along with two suitacases and two cabin baggage, we brought USD800 only with us. Couldn't really afford more than that as D had spent more than he could afford on his wedding to please his sister !

Well, coming back to this apartment where we were living with an Indian gynaecologist and her 6yr old daughter...we had kind of informed her that I was pregnant, hoping that she should be able to recommend some good doctors here for me. Inspite of knowing that, she cooked only daal and rice, only once a day and we were not allowed to cook anything by ourselves. She never really say that, but she never kept any other grocery in the kitchen and would cook daal-chawal first thing in the morning, then she would kindof tell us that we can make a cup of chai if needed, while not really stocking up on milk either ! The daal would be really just boiled one, with no spice, no tempering etc considering the taste and requirement of her daughter. Oh yeah...she did keep some bread in the fridge once in while !

I couldn't believe that an Indian/woman would behave this way with a very new Indian, even though they were paying 200 US dollars per week. D had started to get worried about me eating only daal and rice, no veges, no fruits, no milk etc..after a few days, me and D would stroll upto the mall and buy some fruits for us, specially me. But, we both knew that at this rate we won't be able to afford anything extra in a couple of weeks time. Felt really helpless at that time, and that person who came to pick us up, kept insisting that we stay with his friend...I am not sure if he was getting any commission from our hosts.

Newly married, new country, very annoyed ILs back at home because their newly acquired servant....errrr...I mean DIL, went to a foriegn country with their son, only $800 US dollars, spending $200 a week for our PG arrangement, around 2months pregnant, eating only daal and rice three times a day, that too that was cooked only in the morning, no job, me crying most of the time because all the pregnancy hormones were making me a cry baby, I felt lonely, craving for eating a lot of spicy stuff, money to think about which we were running out of faster than we could count it...

Unlike other sensible people, I didn't even think about staying in India and let D go first so that he settles down with a job and home atleast. The reason was....my ILs. They had fired the maid the day after all the relatives went away who had come to attend our wedding. I knew that I would have no right over my own life or my children's lives if I stayed back there even for a single day. Even with D around, me or him had little control over the way they controlled and mistreated me.

Hmmm...and my parents. At that time...they wouldn't care less. As far as they were concerned, I was the burden they had gotten rid of with great difficulty. You see, I was refusing so many proposals that were coming through and not thinking about my younger sisters and when would they get married if I am taking this long !! I feel like laughing now...or crying. But they have changed a bit now, atleast my dad. I hope so..

Anyway, coming back to our situation in NZ, we were desperate to get out of that place, so that atleast I could get some decent meals for the baby's growth, we didn't even want to think that niether of us could cook anything. But we just wanted to get out of that depressing household where the husband was a doctor and earning in US, wife a gynaecologist staying home to study, charging us astronomical amount of money compared to the market rate at that time...just trying to take advantage of the fact that we were new arrivals who didn't know anyone else here..feeding a pregnant women the kind of food even the lowest of people wouldn't if they could afford it.

I just wanted to move in my own place, doesn't matter how small. It was too demeaning to feel that woman's eyes follow me if I went in the kitchen for a drink of water, just to check if I would make an extra cup of milk/chai while I am there.

Do you know what the rates are at the moment, 13 yrs later. NZD150 which includes all the meals, power, phone etc !! Which is around USD120 now !!!!

What did we do next ? Will write in the next post. This is too overwhelming for me....just thinking back about what we have gone through. Its like going through the whole thing, those emotions again. I still am not able to understand that host family. Or how could parents and family become so insensitive towards their own children ?

15 January 2010 - 13yrs...

13 yrs back, on this date we started from Hyderabad..just me and D ( married for a little less than 6 months) with two suitcases and two cabin luggage.

Well Bugs was there too....really tiny, in my tummy but no one knew about him except me and D :D

11 Jan 10 - questions, questions and more questions.

While IHM is writing about how can a mother send her daughter back to a man who breaks her jaw....I am trying to figure out what makes an independent woman stick to an abusive relationship even when the mother, father, sisters, friends and whole bunch of relatives beg her to get out of it without caring about what the society will say ?

1) Was that all a lie just to gain sympathy ?

2) Is having a dad in your children't life that important that even an abusive male would do ?

3) or is that person suffering from Masochism (seeks suffering, pain, hurt in relationships/sitiuations, rejects help and resents those who offer it ) ?

Is Global Warming/ Climate Change a conspiracy theory started by some people to fill their pockets ?

There is so much written for and against it !

Am I really falling in love with this place ? After 13 years ?

I just can't stand anyone bad mouthing this country anymore. Specially the ones who have migrated here ! Its ok to say loudly and proudly 'Mera Bharat Mahan', I say it too...but I just can't hear anything bad about this country which has offered so much to everyone who has come here.

Will I be able to stick to my New Year's resolutions ?

Hmmmm...that's another million dollar question.

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2 Jan 2010 - New Year's resolutions

For last couple of years, I haven't been making any new year's resolutions. No, not even weightloss one !!

This year I felt the need to make some resolutions for self improvement. The ones I made are for my own spiritual development so that I can live a more fulfilling, happy, peaceful and meaningful life. I am trying to start with small steps, so they may sound really silly...

1. I will not hold grudges against people about things that happened a long time ago and if they are genuinely regretting it.

2. I will not believe everything that someone says and won't take any action based on that.

3. I will not get too sucked into other people's problems.

4. I will practice the discipline of refraining from all negative and critical comments.

5. I will not speak bad about one person to the other, irrespective of whether I like or dislike that person.


Did you make any resolutions at all ?

Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year !!